K. (helicoptersky) wrote,

JE - Five Things Meme, Part I - Various

Title: Various
Pairings: Various
Rating: PG, PG-13, NC-17
Author Notes: Three shortfics (too long to be called drabbles) written for the Five Things meme! First two for feather_down (aka, the things I write for certain people, wtf het and mpreg), the third one for karinberry. ♥ ♥ ♥

Five Times Ryo Found Out He Was Pregnant
[Ryo(/Uchi), G]

1. It doesn’t strike anyone as odd that Ryo is snapping at random people a little more often than usual. Because to be honest, Ryo basically snaps at everyone all of the time, anyway. But when this time he gets angry at YamaPi for eating a piece of salmon sushi that a) he doesn’t even like, and b) had been YamaPi’s to begin with, Shige begins to have a suspicion.

”Nishikido-aniki,” he says in a serious tone, “I think that maybe. Perhaps! Well, you might be pregnant.”

“Shut up, Ugly,” Ryo snaps back, “How is that even possible? I thought you were supposed to be smart.”

Shige flushes and doesn’t mention it again.


2. A few days later, backstage at a multi-band show, Ryo gets into a fight with Ueda. Just like Ryo snapping at everyone, this in itself is not exactly unusual. Ueda and Ryo have never gotten along very well. Lately, though, Ueda has started talking back, which of course meant Ryo had to up his ante. So instead of just asking Ueda who he is, Ryo has been telling him to just go die.

This time, however, when Ueda tells Ryo that he isn’t scared of a deformed midget, Ryo suddenly bursts into tears.

Shige,” Koyama breathes, his eye wide, “I think you might be right.”


3. Ryo begins to look extraordinarily pale and throws up a lot. When asked about it, Ryo says that anyone would be exhausted after several months of non-stop touring and that everyone should just shut the fuck up and leave him alone.

“But!” YamaPi says brightly, “You are experiencing morning sickness! I’ve read a book about this—” He pauses. “Well, I read the introduction. Anyway! You are pregnant.”

“Shut up,” Ryo yells, “I am not pregnant, what the fuck! What is wrong with you people?”

Despite Ryo’s protests, YamaPi runs off to tell Jin.


4. Then Ryo gets fatter. First he is absolutely thrilled about this new development, because he has been trying to gain weight for years and now the hours upon hours spent at the gym finally seem to be paying off!

He is not so thrilled anymore when he realizes that it’s not his muscles getting bigger, but only his belly.

“Fat Ryo!” Jin shrieks in delight and pokes Ryo’s stomach. “Fat Ryo, Fat Ryo! It’s about time you diet, ne!”

Ryo tries to hit him, but Jin jumps out of the way and unfortunately Ryo has not only gotten fatter but also slower.

“Fat Ryo!” Jin giggles again, then pauses and adds seriously, “Hey, but wasn’t Uchi supposed to be the girl in this relationship?”


5. Jin and Ryo get drunk together, even though YamaPi told them not to. (“He is pregnant!” YamaPi had scolded, “You’re not supposed to drink when you’re pregnant! I read that!” Ryo chose to ignore his warnings because he was not pregnant.) It doesn’t take much for Ryo to be absolutely shit-faced (even though he has gotten a bit chubbier, he is still a light-weight) and in his inebriated state he lets Jin buy a pregnancy test for him.

It comes out positive.

“P-preg. Nant,” Ryo slurs and looks at Jin wide-eyed, “Pregnant. I’m – pregnant.”

“Yes!” Jin says, “Yes! Can I name the baby?”

(“I told you we should have used protection,” Uchi wails, “Great, just great! Now I’m getting suspended again! I can just see the headlines: ‘UCHI HIROKI KNOCKS UP FELLOW BAND MEMBER’. Oh God.”

“Shut up!” Ryo yells, “This is what I get for letting you top. And don’t you dare complain! You’re not the one with this – this thing inside of you!”

“It is not a thing!” Uchi shrieks and promptly starts crying, “It is our love child.”)

Five Times Yoko And Leah Did It
[Yoko/Leah, PG-13]

1. The first time it happens, after recording the interview, Yoko hesitates, if just for a moment. It doesn’t feel right, Ryo likes her best, Ryo was why they had invited her to Suka-J in the first place. He definitely shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t, because it doesn’t feel right, but oh, it feels good.

“Yokoyama-kun,” Leah breathes into his ear and her breath tickles pleasantly on his skin. Yoko decides that just this once it would be ok.

Cute,” he says in English, then Leah presses him against the wall and kisses him, hard.

2. They meet again a few weeks later, as guests of a television program, and Leah seduces him in the second to last bathroom stall on the third floor of the building. Yoko is surprised, because really, he had thought it had only been a one-time thing.

He still feels a little guilty, but overally he doesn’t really mind much, because Leah does this amazing thing with her tongue that makes Yoko forget any doubts he ever had.

3. Yoko doesn’t see her for quite a while. They are both busy with work and don’t have much spare time to begin with and it’s not like Yoko can say, ‘Oh, sorry, tonight I need to have secret sex with Leah Dizon’ to his friends, especially not the other members of Kanjani8.

He reads the rumors in the tabloids, then, about Leah dating some actor guy, someone she met at work, and it’s not like Yoko cares, but something about the guy’s face pisses him off. So when Leah suddenly shows up on his doorstep, the first thing he says is, “What were you thinking?” and Leah huffs, “Well next time just call me,” and then neither of them says much for a while except for the occasional “Yoko” or “Leah” in between gasps and moans.

4. Then Ryo finds out. Yoko doesn’t know how, but Ryo knows. It is obvious from the way he glares at Yoko, the way he doesn’t say a word to him the entire time, the way he looks like he is about to kick Yoko in the face.

For reasons he can’t quite comprehend, Yoko calls Leah after work that day and asks her to meet him.

“My good friend is really angry with me,” he says cryptically, “He has good reason to.”

“Awwww,” Leah coos, climbs into Yoko’s lap and presses feather-light kisses to his neck, “I will make you feel better.”

5. Yoko vows to not see her again after that. He values friendships the most, and it’s not like he was having a real relationship with Leah anyway. He’d just have to stop seeing her, and forget about their hookups and everything would be back to normal in no time.

Unfortunately the forgetting part doesn’t work out that well for Yoko and he is getting into a pattern of work, drink, pass out, work, drink, pass out, which isn’t particularly healthy, but it was Takki's advice and at least it helps to clear his head.

“God, will you go see her already?” Ryo approaches him with a grumpy face, “I’ll get over it. I’m not that pathetic.”

Yoko wants to tell Ryo that actually, yes he is, but Ryo isn’t even listening anymore and is mumbling something about some girl he met with a shirt and nice boobs (or something like that), so Yoko nods and leaves in a hurry.

When he arrives at Leah’s place, he has already forgotten what he was going to say, but talking is overrated anyway, and Yoko talks too much as it is, and also there is still the language barrier, so Yoko just grabs Leah and kisses. And it seems Leah understands exactly what Yoko is trying to communicate, because she grabs him by the collar and pulls him inside, never breaking the kiss.


“Disgusting,” Ryo says when Yoko comes to work the next day, for once not hung over, but still noticeably worn-out, his hair tousled and in the same clothes as the day before. “Gross. Please don’t tell me any details.”

But Ryo is smiling lopsidedly and doesn’t look all that disgusted, considering the circumstances. Yoko’s curiosity is piqued.

“Ryo-chaaaan,” he says and pokes Ryo in the cheek with his index finger, “Have you been getting some?”

“Shut up,” Hina cuts in and hits him over the head, “We have work to do! You better don’t fall asleep.”

Yoko smiles. Everything is back to normal and he can have sex whenever he wants to, without having to buy bags for hostesses, even. Life is good.

Five Times Ryo Masturbated
[Ryo/his hand, NC-17]

1. Ryo barely makes it into the tiny bathroom stall before he urgently shoves a hand down his pants, wraps his fingers around his erection and strokes. He just wants to get rid of it quickly, he has to get back to rehearsal and he has been hard, painfully hard, ever since Tegoshi had practiced his hip roll right in front of Ryo and God, where the hell had he learned to do that anyway?

And so Ryo strokes and strokes, hard and fast, his grip firm and then, just when he thumbs the tip of his cock he imagines Tegoshi’s angelic face, imagines it is Tegoshi who is jerking him off, he shoves his fist into his mouth to muffle his scream and comes hard.


2. There must be something in the water, Ryo thinks to himself when he finds himself in the very same bathroom stall, just the day after. What other reason would there be for him to get turned on by Massu of all people? Ryo couldn’t remember that ever happening before, yet when Massu had taken off his shirt after practice and little drops of sweat had run down his biceps and toned chest, it had gone straight to Ryo’s groin.

He had tried to make it go away, but it hadn’t worked and thus Ryo again finds himself wanking to the fantasy of one of his fellow members.

When he comes, he bites down on his lip so hard that he starts to bleed.


3. He hates Shige. He hates him and his stupid imaginary cat diary and his smart essays and his low self-esteem, because why the hell would he find that cute? But most of all Ryo hates Shige’s damn Kakure Karakuri hair.

Ryo had been bored out of his mind and so he’d put in the DVD of Shige’s special (Why had YamaPi given that DVD to him again?!). Bad idea, apparently! Because a few minutes into it, Ryo has taken off both his pants and boxers and is jerking off slowly. He vaguely remembers telling Shige how ugly he thought that hairstyle is, but that had been an outright lie, because it’s hot, amazingly hot, so hot in fact, that Ryo can’t keep himself from wanking in front of the TV.

It’s the onsen scene that finally drives him over the edge and he comes all over his stomach. When Ryo’s breathing returns to normal, he reminds himself to be extra-mean to Shige the next day.

He had indirectly ruined his shirt, after all.


4. It figures, Ryo realizes bitterly, that he’d start lusting after Koyama right after. What doesn’t make sense, however, is that this time the cause of his inconvenient erection is Chirarizumu. That song is (and anyone would agree to this) not hot at all. It’s dumb and silly and dorky and stupid<, and it doesn’t make sense that watching that annoying song on Shounen Club is making Ryo hard.

Ryo flees to the shower then. Lets ice-cold water splash against his skin, squeezes his eyes shut, but none of it helps any, so in the end he gives in and brings himself over the top with fast, hard strokes. He comes with a scream and the water washes away the evidence immediately.

At least this time he hadn’t made a mess.


5. After a few days Ryo thinks he might be over this unfortunate phase. He hasn’t gotten turned on by his band mates in a while and he’s positive he’s over it That is until YamaPi shows up with pants incredibly low on his hips and his ass is practically hanging out.

Ryo escapes to the bathroom, again, to take care of the matter.

When he emerges from the stall shortly after, YamaPi and Jin are waiting for him with identical grins on their faces.

“Done already?” YamaPi asks, unable to hide his glee, “That was quick.”

“Ryo-chaaaan,” Jin coos and pokes Ryo’s cheek with his index finger, “Want to come over later?”


(“Hey Ryotan,” Tegoshi approaches him a little later, Massu in tow, “Want to have dinner with us?”

“The food is really good,” Massu adds, “We thought maybe you’d like to, you know, join.”


“Ryo-chaaaaan,” Koyama says and puts his arm around Ryo.

Ryo squirms and tries to wiggle out of Koyama’s grasp. The he turns his head to look at Shige, who blushes and looks at the floor.

“What is it?” Ryo asks, suspicious.

“We were wondering,” Shige says, still studying the floor quite seriously, “Want to – umm. Hang out with us?”)
Tags: crack is good for your body, five things meme, je has eaten my brain, kanjani8 pwns you in the face, news is the best ever ever ever, ryo is a bitter old man, wtf when did i start writing het

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