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JE - I've created a monster - PIN

Title: I've created a monster
Pairing: Akanishi Jin/ Yamashita Tomohisa
Rating: R/NC-17
Author Notes: Again, for darkeyedwolf, who is my crackmuse. Hey, I'm on a roll!! ILU, WOLFIE. Also, this is really cracky, so be warned XD. It was kind of inspired by Toma's tiny peen. ... don't ask. UNLESS YOU HAVEN'T SEEN TOMAPEEN. THEN DO ASK.


YamaPi has missed Jin a lot, he realizes. Even if Jin can be really annoying and steals his food and completely fails at writing kanji, YamaPi has missed him and so on Jin’s first day back in Japan (he is spending Christmas with his family), YamaPi immediately invites his best friend over to his place for dinner and hanging out and possibly getting drunk.

At first Jin makes YamaPi watch American movies, in English, without subtitles. YamaPi doesn’t really understand what’s going on or what all the foreign people are saying to each other, and when Jin starts translating things to him it starts making even less sense. The problem might very well be that they are both kind of drunk, but this is Jin, and really, why would a woman of approximately 80 years of age tell her granddaughter about her erection problems and that a lot of tequila is the ultimate cure?

“I think you’re full of shit,” YamaPi tells Jin and laughs at him openly, “I think your English has actually gotten worse.”

*

Jin hits him over the head with a pillow and YamaPi retaliates by showering him with popcorn and Jin shrieks and jumps YamaPi, fingers prodding at all the places he knows it tickles the most, and of course YamaPi can only do one thing: Touch Jin’s Collarbone.

More outraged shrieking follows (the grandma’s penis is long forgotten), pillows fly, beer is spilled, and suddenly Jin accidentally sits on the remote control and the channel switches to porn, the whole room filled with throaty moans of two nameless long-haired and very naked men.

“Wow rainbow,” Jin says, “Since when do you have a porn channel?”

Pi sputters and blushes, but just when he wants to dig his grave even deeper and embarrass himself by giving Jin some lame excuse about his friend’s friend giving him this joke present for he-doesn’t-know-what, Jin gets distracted by –

“His penis is so tiny!”

YamaPi peers at the screen, squints, purses his lips as if in deep thought and then comes to the conclusion that yes, this porn star’s penis is indeed not of the average size. But because he is YamaPi, he can’t just say ‘yes’ or nod at his friend or say ‘I agree’.

“It is not even half the size of mine,” he says seriously, “Maybe a third.”

*

Jin demands proof, and YamaPi declares, outraged, that he doesn’t take pictures of his penis. After all, his Mom could find them! That doesn’t satisfy Jin, who says that if there are no pictures available, he’ll just have to settle for live action.

He eyes YamaPi’s crotch with great interest, and for some reason that YamaPi can’t quite comprehend, Jin looking at him like that makes him hard almost instantly.

“Oh,” Jin says and his eyes widen dramatically. He leans closer. “It does look kind of big now. Show me, show me, show me!”

YamaPi thinks the best solution is to take off his pants and briefs.


*

“It’s a monster,” Jin exclaims, his jaw dropping in awe.

YamaPi puts his hands on his hips and proceeds to strut around the room proudly, even though it looks a tiny bit ungraceful, because his pants are pooled around his ankles, and that makes it kind of hard to walk.

“Hey, Pi!” Jin bounces after him and claps his hands excitedly, “Can I touch it? Can I name it? Can I get a closer look, please?”

“Yes to all of the above!” YamaPi agrees and sits down on the couch, beckoning Jin to follow him.


*


When Jin finally wraps his long fingers around YamaPi’s erection, YamaPi throws his had back and moans without shame – only to groan in frustration when he feels Jin’s finger’s leave his cock.

“Bakanishi!” he exclaims and opens his eyes, “Why are you stopping?”

“Ah~” Jin muses, “I was going to secretly take a picture, but it seems you noticed.”

*

“I’m naming it - Pin!” Jin decides with a happy smile, all the while stroking YamaPi to a point where YamaPi thinks he’s going to shatter into a million pieces, and in a good way.

“No, you’re not,” YamaPi manages to choke out, his fingernails digging deep into his couch, “That’s already the name of your dog!”

Jin ignores him, but that’s okay, because he is still jerking his hand up and down YamaPi’s cock and –

“I know, I know!” Jin suddenly squeals, “I’ll name it Sausage!”

YamaPi opens his mouth to protest, but then Jin says something about wanting to compare ‘it’ to an actual sausage and bends down to push his head into YamaPi’s lap and then Jin’s mouth wraps around his cock, his tongue swiping over the tip teasingly. And when Jin tries to fit all of his length into his mouth all the while sucking and licking and his hand still stroking at the base, YamaPi almost bites through his lip and comes so hard it almost makes him black out and he cries out Jin’s name repeatedly and it doesn’t even feel all that weird.

*

“It was a bit too big to fit into my mouth completely,” Jin ponders afterwards, “But I couldn’t just bite off a piece, like on a real sausage, you know? That would have been kind of painful on your side.”

“Bakanishi!” YamaPi says, but without any venom in it, because he is still practically glowing and he’s feeling weak, but contentedly so, and where the hell did Jin learn how to do that, anyway?

*

“Hey, Ryo-chan,” Jin asks Ryo a few days later, when the three of them are out for dinner, “Do you like sausage?”

He says it in English, and YamaPi spits a mouthful of rice all over the table and almost knocks over his beer.

Ryo rolls his eyes.

Comments

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OH MY GOD

OH MY FUCKING GOD
IT IS ALL YOUR DOING DO YOU LIKE IT DO YOU LIKE IT *NEEDS TO EGO STROKE LIKE JIN NEEDS SAUSAGE* (feel free to shoot me)

God it is almost 6 am and I'm posting porn xDDDDDDD
XDXDXD

I...I don't even know what to say to this. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I won't be able to sleep. This is too awesome. I can't even manage to find the caps lock button to express how awesome this is. Must. Stop. Laughing. *dies*

Brilliant. Awesome.

*dies again*

Sausage...XD I'll have to use that word tomorrow.

THANK YOU FOR SPREADING CRACK-FILLED HAPPINESS! CONTINUE IT! SOOON! *bows down to ruler of the crack*
I made you unable to find CAPS LOCKS. That makes my hearts swell with SO MUCH PRIDE! XDDDDD

You are VERY WELCOME and I'm so glad my first attempt at Pin crack is well-liked!

THANK YOU !
I. I. YOU. WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*FALLING ON THE GROUND OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU*

THIS IS THE MOST DELICIOUS CRACK IN THE UNIVERSE THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT YAMAPI'S MONSTER PENIS AND THEN TOUCHING AND NAMING AND I AM SERIOUSLY DEAD OK

“Wow rainbow,” Jin says, “Since when do you have a porn channel?”

Oh my god I realize this is a Pin fic with goodness and porn and hilarity but THIS IS MY FAVORITE LINE, EVER. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

He eyes YamaPi’s crotch with great interest

Just....*hysterical* Rolling on the ground, MY GOD.

JIN NAMES YAMAPI'S MONSTER PENIS AND THEN JERKS HIM OFF BEFORE A BLOWJOB AND THEN MAKES SNARKY COMMENTS ABOUT IT TO RYO WHO NINJA-ED HIS WAY IN HERE YET AGAIN. I AM FLYING TO GERMANY TO COME KIDNAP YOU AND KEEP YOU AS MY OWN, THAT'S IT, I'VE DECIDED.

*THROWS SELF AT YOU*

OMFG SQUEEEEEEEE *BEAMS* I am so UTTERLY TOTALLY COMPLETELY BESIDE MYSELF that you LIKE IT because you ARE PIN, and I FANGIRL YOUR PIN FIC LIKE WOAH ♥ ♥ ♥

And I was totally flailing to Wolfie about how I can't write Pin and then we talked about poor undebuted Toma with his small penis and Yamapi's MONSTER PENIS and I said I FEEL LIKE WRITING THAT and Wolfie said at the same time YOU SHOULD WRITE THAT ... and so I wrote Pin crack in the middle of the night xD

RYO NINJAS HIS WAY IN ALMOST ALL OF MY FIC ITS SCARY XD

And alidfszdfasldf PLEASE DO. I WILL MAKE IT EVEN EASIER FOR YOU because I'm gonna be in Toronto soon and you can kidnap me from THERE and keep me in your closet with JIN (YYYYYY!) and we will WRITE EACH OTHER PIN PORN UNTIL ETERNITY IT'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL DON'T LIE!
“Can I touch it? Can I name it? Can I get a closer look, please?”

*DIES* &hearts

THIS! THIS. THIS IS PIN. THIS IS PIN AS IT SHOULD BE.
Also, Tomapeen? I am asking.
YamaPi puts his hands on his hips and proceeds to strut around the room proudly, even though it looks a tiny bit ungraceful, because his pants are pooled around his ankles, and that makes it kind of hard to walk.

*CRYING. WITH. LAUGHTER.*
Yay so glad you like it ♥ ♥ ♥

I LOVE HOW IDIOTIC AND DORKY AND HOT THE ARE.
PIN FOREVER!!!!
omfg~! Yay for Ryo~!!! XD
Ryo is SO NINJA he appears EVERYWHERE!
Thanks for reading ♥
wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!! hehe Pin.. hehe...
Wheeeee so glad you like, THANK YOU!! <3
PIN FTW!
...

I think I just cried from all the happiness and the porn and the sausage, omgftw. *_*

I. um. er. ILU. ILUILUILUILU XINFINITY, OKAY

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
INORITE? In my opinion, all Pin fic should be happiness and porn and CRACK XDDDDD

AND OMG GLEEEEEEE I GOT RED HEARDS WITH SPARKLES!!
That makes me so proud THANK YOU ILU ♥
I COMPLETELY AGREE!!

Thank you for reading ♥ ♥ ♥
Oh my friggin' gosh, this teaches me not to have yaoi manga drama CDs on my iPod - -;;.

GOD, WHY IS RYO SO AWESOME. HE BLOWS MY MIND WITH HIS MIND-NUMBING AWESOMENESS. &hearts

AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE TOMA PEEN, SO I'M ASKING. WTF????

Ryo is so NINJA he appears in EVERY FIC, I SWEAR! I love him ♥ And PIN, but that much is obvious!

Here be the Tomapeen XDDDDDD
I think I won't be able to look at a sausage in the same way I did before I read this. XDDDD
PIN IS SO MUCH ♥ <3
SAME HERE! I giggled crazily to myself earlier today, when my parents ate sausages ... but my family thinks I'm crazy anyway XDD

PIN FOREVER ♥
rhgkjhystrhyohyhnbnfljghnh

seriously what am I supposed to say. monster penises, blowjobs, PIN ♥

Can I get a closer look, please?
Jin is such love, haha.
My OTP ♥
SQUEEEEE THANK YOU, SO GLAD YOU LIKED!!

My OTP too, obv! ♥ ♥ ♥
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAAH!
THAT IS SO MUCH CRACK! XD PiN ROCKS SO MUCH. ROTFLAMO.

*currently incoherent from too much laughing and squealing*

+ the addition of Ryo. ROTFLMAO *snickers* PWN!
PIN = OTP!!

Thanks for reading, so glad you enjoyed!!!
♥ ♥ ♥
...HOLY SHIT. THAT WAS THE BEST CRACKY PORN EVER.

I MEAN.

SRSLY.

IT'S ALL THE GOODNESS OF PIN ROLLED INTO ONE, THE RETARDEDNESS AND THE HOT AND ALFJLKSADFLKJFDSKFJL.

THANK YOU. ♥♥♥
THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I am glad you liked ♥

PIN FOREVER!!!!!
I like sausage. *^^*

That is super awesome. Holy crack. You rule porn world right now. XD ♥
WHEEE THANK YOU ♥ ♥ ♥

I never thought I'd see the day of me ruling PORN WORLD XD It makes me feel oddly proud xDD
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